Anyways, I'm a dead mouse

The dawn was a translucent one., the sky sinfully shown in orange and grey hues . Hazy dew was the order of the day. Everything about the weather was dull ,cold and dark, as if the sun had taken a day off work. But nothing today is going to dither me from meeting Him.After all these years of piled guilt and agony. I was determined for a peaceful sleep tonight.

I let the water from the shower wash over me, wash away the tears. The path from the tears that streamed down my face every night. I only wish, he knew the depth of every drop shed. I clad myself in my mom’s red saree. Red was his favorite color. My mom called it the “lucky one”, the one she was wearing when she met my dad. Saree is not my thing really.But deep down I am a timid girl, no matter how confident I portrayed myself to the outside world.A false being.Only he knew the person I was inside.Only he understood me more than me.

I kicked started by bike, the engine ruefully refused to wakeup. It felt like a bad omen.My body ached devoid all the sleep I didn’t have for the past few days.I had to muster all the little strength left in me on to my legs to kick start my bike. And then, with a familiar sound the engine roared.I then threaded the familiar roads and streets which I was so used to and travelled so many times yet it seemed so unfamiliar now. Everything had changed with time, the shops lining the street and the little houses, now advertised modern architecture. Once bumpy mud roads were replaced with gravelly tar stricken roads which shown mirages in the sunlight. Everything changed with time. I changed with time. The vehicle dutifully stirred its way as if it knew where the driver was destined to be. But, my thoughts were far away from the road.

Will he forgive me?
Will he accept me back after all these years?

“I don’t want you in my life, I don’t need you in my life”,

I said to him on a stormy night, 3 years back. I still vividly remember the pained smile he had on his face when I shouted those words,. as if he already knew that I would regret my decision 3 years later. And here I am standing in nothing but, deep remorse for my past.

There was small group of people outside his place.He is a busy man, he always was. People always seek him for help. and he was well known not to disappoint the ones who came to him.I walked into his place with small reluctant steps like a child on her first day at school.I couldn’t see him with all the crowd inside, I wondered what the occasion was. I craned my neck to get a glimpse of him. And suddenly,as if my thoughts were magically intercomed, the crowd surrounding him cleared and paved way for me to walk ahead.

And there he was majestically seated at the end of the hall, with the same mysterious smile he always had. My knees weakened as I got closer and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks.

I knelt and prayed for HIS forgiveness for all my ignorance and prejudice of my past. I cried and cried for what it felt like an eternity. I could feel the eyes of all the other devotees in the temple, on me. I cared less.All it mattered was, I was with him again and he is my saviour. He alone is my LORD.