When words fail you....

There are moments in life when words fail you.

No matter how hard you try, there are certain questions posed by people which can put your heart in your mouth.You just simply open and close your mouth hoping words will mysteriously form out of thin air. But there's no escaping the wrath and the agony such questions which can even make you ponder about your very existence and its purpose.

I, for one had the misfortune to be the victim of one such situation when all the languages in the world failed me…..

Pavithra(a 3 year old) : Akka, Neenga girl ah boy ah?????

Me : &*#$$^%$%^$@#$

A pictorial representation of my reaction.

Naan Asin thaan da!!!!

So, the other day I was strolling down the saidapet railway station.Though I live at close proximity to the Mambalam station, I prefer taking my trains from saidapet. Primarily because I hate surfing through the humongous human waves pouring into the famed Ranganathan street day in day out. You don’t have to really walk to the Mamabalam station, you will be glided by the crowd in and out effortlessly.Only thing, you can almost smell the sweat off the person’s head walking ahead of you and the person behind can smell yours.At any given point of time, someone will be playing the game “Lets-see-who-stamps-my-feet-harder” game without your permission.Now, if you’re a girl.,needless to say, there will be moments like “Ouch, What was that”..or “who the f**k was that”…………..you get my drift right?!?!?

So like I said, the other day I was strolling down saidapet station.It was around 3 in the afternoon with not many people around except a few pairs of heads sitting on sunbaked cement benches oblivious to the Chennai weather almost glued to eachother discussing Global warming issues and climatic changes in Siberia. I had to take the overhead walkway to go towards the other side of the track. That’s when I saw him.

A man in his mid forties or late…not more. He was frantically grooving around the place where he was standing throwing his arms in mid air as if searching for something.On closer look, I realized he was had dark glasses on.He was a blind man.Not only that, he was asking for help as far as his soft voice could carry for someone to guide him through the over head bridge. I was a good 15-20 meters away from him.Apparently he got down from the train which just left the platform.As I watched, he continued grooving around with his hands and slowly staggering sideways precariously close to the edge of the platform.

One pair sitting on the bench close to where the blindman was, were still discussing Global issues with heads together, arms arnd each other in broad daylight. “Buggers!!!”.

I sprint the distance between me and the blindman and in no time I held his foreman and pulled him away from the sloppy platform.

“Thanks madam, Ennai konjam bridge kitta vittudinga please”, he said immediately and shifted the grip of my hand from his left to his right since he was carrying a huge cloth bag in his left.

He clasped my hand hard and held on to it for dear life.Frankly, I’ve never held a guy’s hand before except my dad’s ofcourse.So I was kinda going numb from his grip., as we slowly walked down the long deserted platform.He took small child-like strides, so I had to reduce my pace as well.He stumbled slightly, on a slate of mosaic that was detached up from the floor. “Stupid me,I should have have told him that there was a bump.

Thereon, I said “pallam iruku inga”, “step varuthu”, “right turn”,”left turn” where ever necessary., as we slowly climbed up and down the almost disintegrating steps of the saidapet OH walkway .Man, It felt like to have walked up and down the everest. Wonder how they do it everyday.

On reaching the foot of the stairs, he said “Romba Nandri madam, and walked away briskly towards the left of the road while I went right.

Suddenly,someone screamed,“Ghajini, Asin-nu nenapo manasula….”

I wheeled around to see the source of the compliment. It was the jerk on the bench that was discussing global issues.

“Ammam da…vaada, Naan Asin thaan da….”

He muttered something like “Decent ah irukunu paatha, ponnu sema local-a pesuthu paara”

Ading goyya……Poda dei…..

He went cowering behind the dupappta of the girl he was with…. :-)

Shi(f)t happens!

They say you’re whole life reels in front of your eyes moments before you die.This is not something like that, This is not anything like that.Not even tad closer to that, Its not that at all. But what would flash in front your eyes moments after you quit your job.A job you were almost wedded to for 3 odd years and held on to your dear life., even when its ex-chairman was playing chess in one Chanchalguda(that’s somewhere in AP) Central jail according to sources.I assume you would have guessed who I’m talking abt.

Its like this.. I quit my job last week.

It was a decision taken on impulse, though pondered upon and contemplated for so long, I can rightfully say it was planned.I'm a little disappointed that it took me almost half a year to let go.Now that’s a whole different can of worms.Lets not get into that now.

So, I was there at the reception of my office building doing all the closing formalities., like submitting my ID card et all., and with a glazed eye as my 3 years of worklife reeled in ultra slow mo in alternate black and white and sepia like a some age old movie with Illayaraja for BGM…

Reel 1: The image of the guy who walks around from the cafeteria to the sports room to the library to the pantry with his hands always in his pockets.Its a mystery to everyone in my ODC.I for one,invariably get reminded of a joke in one tamil movie. :)

Reel 2: The tragedy that befell Miss.Ju when she called me on the phone to tell that she got accidently locked from inside the loo and I went charging in to rescue her like some super girl only to realize I broke and barged in to the loo in the 2nd floor while Miss Ju was in the 3rd floor.There was a lot of heroine-like screaming that day in the ladies wash room.

Reel 3:When Mrs.M’s baby was due in a month’s time., andher water broke prematurely and she was adamant to go in an auto to the hospital than wait for a cab. It took us ages to talk her out of “delivering-the-baby-in-the-auto” idea. She was blessed with a baby boy that same night.

Reel 4: Project financial report presentation’s 5th slide had a beaming picture of my boss with all her jewels,adigai,odiyanam and all crap she and her ancestors ever owned. When the 5th slide was up in the huge screen, My boss was flushed to the dismay of 30 odd ppl in the conference room.Only 2 ppl knew how that picture got into the presentation, one, the author of this blog and Miss Ju.

“Madam, Please hand over your ID card…..”, guffawed the almost inaudible security guy

"I already gave the odiyanam, errrmm…I mean the ID card.",I blurted coming back to my senses.

“You can keep the tag mam”, the security guy smirked.

“What am I to do with this, can’t even hang myself with this”, you have it as my Memorabilia.

And I walked out of the building singing “Rain drops falling on my head”,

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red

Cryin's not for me

'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

Because I'm free

Nothin's worryin' me

As the hands-in-the-pocket guy went past me…. With his hands u know where………………….

I mean his pockets!!!!

So long…..Satyam!!

We measure love not with the amount of happiness given.. but with the amount of pain borne.

I stumbled upon this quote....Read it twice....Made me think for awhile....blogged it...Changed font...published it....I'm Over and out now...

Happy thanksgiving to all...

goin thro' a patch...

I got a call from my ophthalmologist in the morning. I had one the busiest 5 weekdays without even having to go to work. So I planned to slumber by daylight for the most part of the weekend. But the call changed everything. I dragged myself in the dirtiest of jeans with a v-neck red tee to go with. I landed at the doctor’s desk at 12:20 am for a 10 am appointment. She eyed me like she would see an insect with disgust.Three hours later I had my eye operated., I was lying on the bed looking up at the ceiling through one eye and the other eye nicely patched up.I looked like a pirate, who was missing his parrot.

My folks were pretty mad, when I landed myself in an auto with an eye patch and saying mater of factly,that I had a surgery. I had a tough time trying to get my parent's reactions through jus one eye.Neverthless, the yip yap continued before it finally ceased at bed time.I wasnt tired, but I went and seated myself in my room.A nap would not do any bad. And so I napped till midnight that day,until when a sudden pain shot right through my eye.Yes,the anesthetic finally wore off. The pain in my head was excruciating .I've never knew thats like it to feel an eye hurt.,I complained of head ache to my doc."Its your eye aching",she corrected me. It was onething to feel physical pain with your eyes open,.atleast u can see the pain., But it’s a different story to feel pain with your eyes closed.It was like someone had cut open your eye, and put a pebble into it and stitched your eye-lids to-gether…I know, it pains to even read it…

The patch was not to be removed for 3 days and guess what, it was the blissful 3 days in months. I informed my boss, that I will be working from home for the next week.,for which she muttered something like “as-long-as the-work-is-done”.I didn’t give a damn,I dropped a mail, to my onsite co-ordinator, that I will not be available to fix your nasty bugs for a week. I did everything with one eye thereon….

Watching TV and laptop was forbidden for 2 weeks. I watched “The ugly truth” , Wrong turn 1,2,3 movies with my bedroom door securely closed. I even drew an eye over the patch with my eye liner, It came out well..Only thing was, I got blasted royally by my mom for my silliness though dad found it very amusing.

Now, I ‘ve got my patch removed.Both the eyes are intact and working.So much for my patchy days...

Bring it on.....

Fall in love or fall in hate... get inspired or b depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive urself. Breathe..... Enjoy the ride :)

I have a habit.When boredom hits, I often find myself rummaging my bookshelf not for a Dan Brown, or a SS or a Robin Cook.But an English-dictionary,..Yes, I inherited the one which my dad had used.Its called the LIFCO dicionary.Most often I end up finding it and dusting off the filth from its tattered covers.

I neatly pull my study table comfortably close so that the enormous bundle of binded paper is right below my nose.Where to start, is always the most dificult decision to be made, But doesnt hog most of ur intelligence when your bored like me.,Its jus the matter of how many pages your thumb can flip in a bunch.The the page u land in the process is the letter u begin with.....And then, I go...reading from top to bottom,right to left...sometimes mouthing lengthy, foreign rooted words twice or thrice audibly to hear the sound it made. You might think its strange for someone to do something like this, and I might need to get-a-life...But trust me, it opened a whole new world of enlightenment for me...below are my takeaways of my weird habit.

1.First of all,I beleived I knew alot about the words of the world., but I now realise how far behind in the learning I am.Words are like people.You think you’ve figured out everyone u know. But the truth is everyone has their own definition which can surprise you when you learn abt them in the oddest of times.

2.Secondly, the most funniest, icky sounding words has the most sweetest definitions of all. Example: “Serendipity”, this is one of my favorite words in english.Phonetically, it rolls out of the tongue so easily, but this word has one of the sweetest definitions to go with.

3. Did you know the word “LOVE” is one of the words with most definitions in any english dictionary. Now you know.So, you think you figured out everything about “love”.Well, think again.

4. The more and more I dwell in my weirdo habit, the more I learn about how little I know and how much more is ought to be learnt in life. This actually reminds me from time to time to keep myself grounded. Not that I’m on cloud9 all the time. But it helps to realize that Life has to offer many more things.

Well, so long now. I’m off to read my dictionary. Do you think u have such weird habits? Let me know!!! :)

The Rain and me

The monsoon finally set in south india and it poured like hamsters and shrimps for almost a week. Chennai was brimming to its edges. Rubber boats and emergency units were at stand by in velacherry like the good ol’ times. This time it was an unnamed cyclone of a weak stature, which cried like a girl, who was not sure if she should cry harder or not.,or what she was crying for.Neverthless it soothed the heat of the ground with a hissing sound as the first drops hit the land.

Well,well,well….you know wat happens when rains pound in Chennai. HOLIDAY. Yep, a holiday smack right in the middle of the week. Not that my employer cared so much, but I declared my own holiday for 3 consecutive days followed by the weekend. Five whole blissful days was in the making.

It was 11 am, no power in the house and its vicinity.The whole house was drowned in darkness, my mom fidgeting with the cutleries and ladles against the light from a kuthu vilaku (lamp).I was working on a excel report to be sent by EOD, the silent pounding of the rain against my window was definitely not helping matters.Finally accepting defeat I chucked my lappy aside., and heaved a sigh of frustration until the ear fones jutting out of my cupboard caught my eye.I haven’t lent a ear to this fellow for somewhile now-My iPod. And pulled it right out of the shelf and headed for the terrace.Three flights of stairs and an old lady(that’s me)-result is a lot of panting like a dog out of breath. On reaching the terrace, I ran into the covers of the tank shed., and happily sat under slanting roof with “Right round” faintly playing in my pod. The shelter of the tank, was really not serving its purpose as sleet as sharp as arrows pounded right on my face, with each drop I could feel my skin bounce into a depression and back. It was tickly in a way. But my thoughts were far from the pain what the rains had to offer.Pain of the heart that transformed into nostalgia of the last rains in Chennai.But a smile was all that I can do.. I looked up to the skies., and I suddenly felt an incredible affinity for nature. I sat myself up and threw myself in the rain..I did a double check, if my neighbours window was open.They were bachelors.I raised the volume of FloRida to its maximum and I went hay wire. Dancing is not my cup of tea.But I felt some kinda euphoria and I needed to dance and now., and I threw my hands and legs randomly in all directions., and went around the many potted plants my mom affectionately gardened. If someone was watching me from a little far away, It would have looked like a hysteric tribal dance of the deep jungles of Congo to the eyes of the unintelligible. But I cared less. I felt the rain in my tongue, It tasted all metallic and sweet. I liked it.I got soaked to the skin in seconds. I laughed at my own silliness of the act., and tears eased out for no reason. It is much easier to cry in the rain.Trust me!

You spin my head right round, right round

When you go down, when you go down down

I know the storm is comin

my pockets keep tellin me it’s gonna shower

Call up my homies it's all

Then pop in the next 'cause this mix'll be ours

You spin my head right round, right round

When you go down, when you go down down

Suddenly I felt someone watching me behind my back,

My dad was standing at the doorway with an umbrella, “Did you get struck by lightning or something”, Come down..Mom is calling you……

Hehe….happy rainy days to all.............!!!!

watta lyrics!!!!

There are words that can elevate ones heart into oblivion by instantly sprouting wings in the balls of your feet and make you feel like your flying in a dream.A soft "hmmmmm" from a loved one,A child's "gaga" and "gogo" when you play with them,an almost inaudible "Hi there" from the hunk next door when you leave for work,Also when the doctor asks your age and he says well, you dont look twenty four..hehe...Words like these make my day after day.Last night I saw this epic song of AR Rahman."Minale from the movie Maymadham". I cudnt figure out if the music was better or the lyrics.The words of this masterpiece of a song made so much meaning and sense even to a duffer like me.Below are the words...


paalmazhaikkuk kaaththirukkum boomi illaiyaa - oru
pandigaikkuk kaaththirukkum saami illaiyaa
vaarththai varak kaaththirukkum kavignar illaiyaa - naan
kaaththirundhaal kaadhal innum meelumillaiyaa
kanneeril theevalarththuk kaaththirukkiraen - un
kaaladiththadaththil naan pooththirukkiraen

Polymorphism

heart breaks,distance quakes,

mind voids, debts unpaid,

dreams forgotten,promises broken

Oh what many forms of being un-loved.

Dreams broken,heart voids,

Promises unpaid,debts forgotten,

Mind quakes,Distance breaks.

Finish the unfinished

Rusty lips of love unbound

Together created bliss so sound

Until oneday,One decided to part.

She kissed the air,

to finish the unfinished.

Daddy, I'm on pill

Wrapped in my sheets,I lay on the bed

In a druken haze, eagle spread

I smell the sodium bulb faintly dim

Inch by inch the delight of goin limb.

Prescription drugs for every ill.,

I dare not say "Daddy, I'm on pill".

Coughed myself to wake in sobreity

Maybe I was dreaming in my dream again

All conscienceness of my yesteryears at bay

Grooved around the bedside table for them.

Like a rattle to a child.,I found mine

Milky white container,with a perforated cap

gulped one and washed it down with coffee.

felt the first pang of relief from the drill

but, I dare not say "Daddy I'm on pill".

Oh yes,I've read all the literature

Leaves liver,lung and all in a fixture.

Mushy masses of carcasses in the end.

Is'nt life more than that? u may defend.,

The question is :Happiness or Pain

MY happiness i choose.

Coz,this is my life i immensely disdain.

And here i pop another one still.,

but,I dare not say "Daddy I'm on pill".

This piece was inspired from a 2- week stand I went through on high dose drugs, prescribed for a week by my practitioner, extended for another 2 weeks by myself. Anything that can heal your pain, can never be harmful.I slept in peace for the first time in months.For the remainder of the time when I wasnt sleeping.,my vision was like the woman in that picture. :-) It was eternal bliss.

Nanban kadhal vazgha...

Long ago........

Oru Kal, Oru Kannadi.
Udaiyamal modhi kondal Kadhal........
Me: Ippo ungaluku enna prechanai?
nee kozhandha, unnaku puriyadhu!
Me: Forget her,She's gone! you have to get moving with your life.There's someone better waiting for you in some corner of the world
F*^%k the free world.
I'm gonna booze and smoke away the rest of my life.

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Not so long ago...

Kavi, I saw a girl at the interview.
Me:Yaaru?
Theriyale,romba azhaga irundha!!!
Me: so?
Ennamo theriyale, edho butterflies suthi parakurae feeling.Color color rainbows coming. Orae birds flying. Slow violin playin in the background.
Edho oru peeling!!!! Ennanu theriyale.
Me: Ennadhu? butter biscuit, rainbow ah???? [seriye illaye!!!!! something fishy]

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Not so very long ago.....

Kavi, I got her email Id.
Me: hmm
Kavi, I know her caste and raasi. Same as mine.
Me:hmmmm
Kavi,I added her as friend in orkut
Me:hmmmmmm
Kavi,Shall I ask her for her number.
Me: Dont, decency maintain pannunga!
Kavi, She herself gave her number....
Me: oh..juper...approm?
.....
Me: hello? u there?
Me: esuse me...
Me: poiteengala?
Me: hello.....
Me: hellooooooooooooo...................
Me: helloooooooooooooooooo.........
Me: adada...party escape!!!!!!!!!

Its a sweet feeling to fall in love.Its not so sweet to fall out of it.And its the sweetest to fall in love again.
Having been with a person, who was once unable to move on and now to see him happy and smiling again, talking about butterflies and rainbows., I cant help but blog abt it.
Nanban kadhal vazgha!!!!!!

Spoken poem- A Thousand kisses deep

The words of this masterpiece of a poem reverberates in my head 72 hours after i heard it for the first time.

And
maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep:
You ditch it all to stay alive,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A Thousand Kisses Deep

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXaRT8CXmGE

in limbo

I'm in a crossroad, But I'm satisfyingly comfortable being undecided.

I'm scared to the core of my heart,But I no longer show it out

I'm moving forward from the past,But I wish road below my feet would stop moving too

I'm laughing,talking, playing,working with my friends,But wish those tears would not stream every night.

What did i do? What did I not do?

Where am I? Why am I not where I shud be?

Love was all I had and now I'm in limbo.Why me?

Monday 6^th Apr 09

PRELUDE:Monday blues, not just blue…but all shades of blue, sky blue,demin blue, ujala blue..

Another boring week was in the making, nothing has changed for the better.Wakeup, brush, watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S,raid wardrobe, kick bike,drive, curse a few ppl, read horoscope, sleep in meetings, come home. Its been monotonously boring like this. Nothing has changed. Not even the ways I get bored.

It was yet another blue Monday . I was driving to work down the kotturpuram road, with a glazed eye and linkin park blaring in my ears.While I drive, these are the rules: I see nothing,-I hear nothing - I speak nothing(except a few swear words). My bike has a mind of its own having realized that the owner doesn’t , it works and drives on its own accord.Jumps at respective signals , overtakes in respective places, honks at respective vehicles. Until oneday, I realized my bike also adjusts its rear view mirror to see objects behind it better. Note the point: OBJECTS as in tall, husky things driving sport bikes. And so my bike did what it does best when it sees these objects. IT STOPPED… and That’s when I saw him.

(did I forget to mention, the object of this post is a BOY.Yes, a boy, a man, a guy, a dude whatever)

30kmphr . Not more than that, was the speed he was driving in.I was atleast 20 feet ahead of him. Trying to catch a quick glimpse of this magnificent creation of god ...hehe, I quickly wiped some non existent filth off my right rear view mirror with my bare hands.During this time, he zoomed past me with an incredible amount of engine sound (despite, Linkin park still blaring in my fones). I needed to catch up.I left my right hand to do the wiping of my mirror and left hand raced the accelerator by almost 360 degress and before I knew it, I zoomed past him and there he was again in the focus my mirror. I smiled to my self ever so proudly of my driving skills. I saw him coming closer just behind me, 15 feet, 10 feet, 8, 7,6,5,4….

What the hell was that??? Holy crap, he was wearing one of those helmet, tat makes u look like your returning to earth after a space mission. The one which has the fully covered face mask kinda thing.All Black! Y would anyone want to hide a face like his,it was injustice to weak hearted girls like me. And in seconds, he went past me again. All I saw was his white funny skeleton sticker at the back on his black helmet. Phew L!!!!

Neverthless the chase was not over, “Here I come helmet boy” and raced my accelerator and snaked my way through the traffic clogged road closely keeping an eye for him. It wasn’t really easy to lose him with all the morning traffic and all that. Thanks to his nosiy BULLET thing he was driving., his machine was a head turner.

I don’t last remember the time, I was involved in a high speed chase like this (Having chased by traffic constables at nandanam signal many times, but that’s a different issue all together). In the Next 5-7 minutes I had pushed my bike to its breaking point not to mention my skills as a driver. I was confident, I will somehow catch up with him and get a glimpse of his face or whatever!!!

Vroooom, Vroom….was all I heard!!! Constantly keeping in sight, there he was just 30 feet ahead of me.

And that’s when I saw, we were approaching a signal at madhaya kailash, It was green and counting down from 10 seconds…10,9,8,7,6,5,4…..

My pea-sized brain,quickly tried to figure all parameters together…,

Velocity=distance/time taken

=approx(30meters)/8 secs à 353435.3454 (huh???)…I should be driving a rocket or travelling at the speed of light to cross the signal before it turns red (I know, I suck in physics!!!!)

That’s when I realized, he already went past the signal, and I was stuck for the next 120 secs behind the stop line as the LED counter started ticking down. So, much for my high speed chasing, So much for all the overtaking, speeding,So much for my dream man!!! I saw the white skeleton sticker growing smaller in size and he gained more distance from me. And he was gone in no time……………

I looked up to the skies and asked “Y god Y?????? “ why are u doing this to me???..There was no voice to answer as its always been. Life was always been this hard and painful!...Dont I deserve a small teeny tiny ray of hope. Again “why god why????? “..And Golly…I was back to my monotonous boring days!!!!

I waited for the next 2mins, pondering about all the ill luck I’ve had in life. Green light was back on, and I slowly accelerated and proceeded my ever boresome commute to my office. It was a hot dry day clearly opposite to how gloomy and cold I was feeling.All feelings of loneliness, insecurity , hopelessness came rushing back…..Anyways Life like that!!!!

Just when I was about to take the detour to my workplace.I saw the white skeleton again. I did a double take. The bike was parked at the roadside and the black helmet was on the seat. And there he was standing next to his bike, with a smile on his face looking in my direction.

Oh my God!!!! I frantically looked around to see, if he was really looking at me, or someone behind my shoulders as it has always turns out to be in numerous occasions. There was not a soul in the vicinity. He then causually raised his hand and waved and said a soft “Hi”. He looked like ones of those shirtless blokes in “Old Spice” ads.

I was literraly gaping at him and in no time, I raced my bike and took the detour and went the usual road to my office without a glance or thought of him. I dunno y I did that but …Basic girl Insticncts I guess!

6-foot frame, half shaved, rugged jeans and a black roudneck t-shirt…and a silly smile on his face looking at ME.What more can I ask for?!?!?!...I can stay single for the rest of my life for precious moments like these. I hummed “Its raining Men” all the way to work. That particular Monday was no longer blue!! :) :)

NOTE: This was an unpublished post for a long time for reasons that I don't give a damn anymore!

His smile says it all....

I really dunno who the kid is.This is a mail I got from my practise head.The kid's smile sure lights up my day.

Priceless Feeling!

Its not abt winning or losing

Its not abt hangin on or letting it go

Its not abt loving enuf or loving more

Its not abt the missing or the company

Its not abt the sweet nothings or manythings

Someday, I'm finally gonna let go

Cause i know there's a better way

And i wanna know wats over that rainbow

I'm gonna get out of here someday, someday!

Appy birrrrrrrthday lachumi.....

She's the blackness of the eye

She's the epitome of all the joy

She's the profanity of my sanity

She's the humbleness of all my vanity

She's the truth in every myth

She's the myth in every truth

She's the rain inside an umbrella

She's Hari's own cindrella ;)

She's the glare of the unshined diamond

She's the softness of the hard almond

And lux, and thats who u are! my friend!

Happy birthday babe!

Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

-Greenday